Sunday, June 16th was Father's Day and it was the first Father's Day since my dad passed in April and all I
wanted was for the day to go away. I spent the entire day shut away in our room and couldn't even acknowledge the day to my partner, who is an amazing father to our daughter; it was just too hard to even say the words. I didn't get him a card because I couldn't even step foot in the card aisle for fear that I would start sobbing uncontrollably in the store, and forget about watching any sort of live television because all those Father's Day commercials put me in a very dark mood...
Two very dear friends of mine were also grieving the loss of their dads on Sunday, as I'm sure were millions of people around the world and yet I felt very alone. My partner checked on me, our daughter, my friends...and I could barely form the words to say that I was okay because I really wasn't. I checked on my mom and made sure that she was okay but it took every ounce of strength I had not to think about my dad on Sunday because the second I did, the tears started to flow and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop, and I just didn't want to ride that emotional rollercoaster again.
Grief is an emotion that we all can relate to: everyone either has or knows someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, whether animal or human. It is a powerful emotion and one that can take years to overcome, if ever, and I fear that I will never get over the loss of my dad. I am definitely engaging more and that helps a lot; talking to family and friends, getting back on social media, that all helps tremendously because it gets me out of my own mind and memories. But there is an ache, a feeling that is so powerful that it literally knocks the breath out of me when I let my mind go to thoughts of my dad passing.
Now I know a lot of people will say that it's only been a few months, you have to give it more time, and of course they are right; while each day gets a bit better, my father's passing is still very recent and very raw. Knowing myself however and especially with how close I was to my dad, I imagine that I will feel this way for the rest of my life and I have to learn to be okay with that because that ache will never go away because my dad is not coming back.
Believe it or not, writing about my dad seems to help a lot with the pain: what I can't seem to verbalize I can write with ease and I feel a sense of calmness come over me when I write. Writing in general helps to focus my thoughts and I need to get back to writing each day if for nothing else, the peace of mind that it brings.
There will be many more Father's Days and as of right now I can't see myself celebrating any of them, but maybe, hopefully with time that will change.
